The Melancholy!

I missed all the signs; I really want to brush away the thought that I probably ignored all the signs. It makes me feel guilty and horrible. I lost the only person that gave me hope. The only person I was doing it all for and when we were almost there he decided to leave. He didn’t even wait to say goodbye to me like he was in a hurry to leave this cold world. The sound of his cry haunts me every second; the whole scene drives me insane. I felt so defeated and helpless. How couldn’t I save my only child? All I could do is cry. His last word just completely broke me into pieces. My whole body died. For a good few minutes, I couldn’t function. My son was calling out to me but there was nothing I could do, at least that’s what I tell myself. I failed as a mother and there is no point of living in this cruel world anymore.

I met Hashim 11 months ago, at that time I thought he was as an angel sent by God. I was at the rock bottom in life. No friends, no family, just me and my 7-year-old son, Aziz. I never loved Hashim and I guess he knew we were not compatible. We were totally different. I have a college degree and he is just a hustler and illiterate, I must add. I despised him but I had to swallow my pride and humble myself because I needed him. I mean, I really, really needed him. His love to me was enough for both of us.

Life has a way of humbling people and I had my fair share. I had life figured out; I was doing well, my son in private school, happy home with both parents. It was perfect. And one day it was all gone, in a blink. I was homeless with nothing but my precious son. And where are friends when you need them? Everyone was gone, I sold all my jewellery and phone and used the money for hotels and food. Yes, I was poor but I had my pride. There was no way I was sleeping on the streets or beg anyone for anything. I met this ‘angel’ in one of the hotels.

Hashim didn’t show any dislike towards Aziz I guess that’s why I felt so comfortable moving in with him. It was awkward at first but I convinced myself that it is just a matter of time and he would fall in love with him because he was a sweet little kid. Am not saying this because he was my son, no, he was honestly a good kid. I raised him well. His sad big eyes got everyone, literally, nobody could say no to him. He was laid back, respectful, smart and just amazing. I was right, they became so close and their bond was almost unbreakable. That made me happy as a mother.

One day after six months of living with Hashim, I came home late from ‘job hunting’. I could see the fear in Aziz’s eyes when I went to check on him in his room/store. He lay down on his back, stiff and didn’t even flinch when I tried to kiss him. I talked to him but he just laid there, not uttering a squeak. I left him alone thinking it was one of those days that he just doesn’t want to talk.

I was taking my blouse off when I spotted the blood on it; I held the blouse close to my eyes while inspecting myself. Nothing. I wasn’t bleeding or hurt so I realized that the blood wasn’t mine. It must be my son’s when I lean to kiss him, I thought. I rushed back to my son’s room, with just a bra on. This time I wasn’t so nice to him, I lifted him from that bed so fast and a little bit aggressively. His short was wet with blood from behind; I guess that’s why he wasn’t moving when I first came in. I examined him but I think I wasn’t ready for what I saw, and especially seeing where the blood was coming from.

My mind was all over the place; I was blubbering and talking so fast I didn’t even know what I was saying. The more I cried the more Aziz cried, I held him so tight not knowing what to do next. Whatever threat he was given, worked. I asked him a million times what happened to him but never speak. I even threatened to whoop him, still, nothing. I asked Hashim what happened to my son because he was with him the whole day and the response I got was ‘How do I know?’ The stupid thing I did is assume that he hurt himself and he would get better with time. Like I said earlier, I ignored all the signs and I was a terrible mother. If I had taken action the first day it happened, my son would be here with me today.

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