After snoozing the alarm for the third time, I was convinced that I’m fully awake. But then I decided to rest my eyes for a second before getting out of my new king size bed. “Who would even leave this comfortable bed to go and slave from 8-5?” I scoffed. “Shit” my heart started racing when I looked at the watch and it read 8:15 am. I literally jumped out of the bed and started dressing while brushing my teeth. I grabbed whatever was on my eyesight and left.
Since I couldn’t find my car keys, I decided to take a “Matatu”. It was the first time I did so since I imported my Range Rover sport from Mombasa, which was like a year ago. Thank God the Monday morning rush was almost over. I boarded the almost full Embassava bus. I sat next to a light-skin lady, with unfinished make-up, half applied lipstick and very rough hair. “This is what they call ‘natural’ nowadays”, I thought. She smelt like raw fish, alcohol and sweat combined.
Few minutes after taking off the conductor started collecting the bus fare and that’s when I realized I had left my wallet in the trouser I had on last night. What do I do now? I panicked. There are two types of people I try not to mess with in Nairobi, Makanga and Chokoraas. Call me weak, but these people are not playing and they can get away with almost anything. As he was approaching I thought the best way out is to bring myself to his level, so I spoke in a language he could understand. “Buda, nimesahau wallet kwa nyumba si nikujenge na M-pesa?” I almost hugged him when he said its okay.
Just when I thought the day couldn’t get any worse. Miss World, the “Tyra Banks” wannabe next to me decided the best place to puke and let the whole world know what she ate last night was on my Italian tailored trouser. “Great,” I said to myself. The first thought that came to my mind was to slap the booze out of her but I controlled myself and allowed her to finish. What happened next convinced me that I’m one of the few remaining good people in this world. The conductor pulled her by the hair and made her pay Ksh 500, which he said was for washing the car, before shouting “kaa chini ama uende na yeye, sitaki swara asubui na karau”
Finally, in town, I rushed to the nearest public toilet and washed the throw-up from my trousers. Something strange must have happened because there were police all over my workplace and I found my office closed. “Ragga, please come with us,” my boss pointed to his office accompanied by two officers.
My mind was all over the place but my thoughts were distracted by the vibration from my phone. It was my landlord, what could he possibly want this morning? My boss looked at me and asked me to pick it up. “You need to evacuate the building by evening.” I didn’t even ask questions, I just hung up and smirked like everything was okay.
As I was about to sit, the darkest police officer held my hand aggressively and said: “We are running out of time, you need to come with us to the station right now, we will explain everything there.” My heart dropped into my stomach.