Suicide Note!

When I first saw her, my heart flinched I felt giddy with excitement. It was a mixed feeling of both jealousy and admiration. I was jealous of the guy she will love and cherish and also I never thought in a million years that I could have her. She carried herself with style and grace and looked a few years younger than me. She moved her hips left and right swiftly going with the rhythm of Uhiki by Hardstone. I remember her smile, it was so beautiful and at that moment nothing mattered, she was full of life. I took my beer and headed towards her, our eyes locked and she didn’t stop smiling. I was hopeful. I offered her my hand and she didn’t hesitate. Next thing I know, it was 4 in the morning and the bar was half empty. We had danced the whole night and I could go for another night without stopping as long as it is with her.

“I’m Noel,” I finally said. “Sharon, “she said, still smiling. The type of energy I was getting from her was not what I expected from the person we’ve been dancing the whole night. She went straight to a group of girls, her friends, I figured. I was left there puzzled; I was mortified, frozen to the spot. I was tired and ready to go but I would be the biggest coward if I left without talking to her one last time. I gathered some courage and went to where she was standing. “Can… we…ummh… meet again” I stuttered. She was staring straight into my eyes, she didn’t even blink. “Yes, tomorrow same place same time,” She said with a straight face. ‘This is what a cat must feel like waiting to pounce on a mouse,’ I thought. Excitement poured out like sunshine through fine white linen, I couldn’t stop the silly smirk on my face. For once in my life, everything was rainbows and butterflies.

I didn’t have time to go back home and change so I headed straight to the industrial area, where I was working as “Jua Kali” with my big brother. At work, he didn’t treat me like a brother, I was to abide by all the rules like other employees, and I could get fired if I did something wrong. Thoughts were running through my mind, I concluded that I have to find my own place and stop living with my brother. Sharon was beautiful and I would do anything to pursue her. I’ll start by moving out of Kibera and go to a more presentable place. I managed to persuade my brother and he agreed to give me a day off, “I need to find my own space,” I told him. Whatever I was feeling for her was worth the risk. The day went on exactly as I planned and by 6 pm I was at the same bar waiting at the front door.

I borrowed my brother’s jeans, which you could tell from 2 planets away that it didn’t fit, a Lacoste t-shirt which half part of the crocodile wasn’t visible and a Kangol hat. She walked in wearing a long jeans skirt, “spaghetti” and a big jeans jacket. She smiled and I followed her in. We chatted for a while and I found out that she was in university studying Psychology. My face was filled with embarrassment when she started talking about university because I never set a foot in school; I was just smiling and nodding. She was way out my league but I didn’t give up. After a few meet-ups, I managed to make her my girlfriend or so I thought. I loved her and I did everything I could for her. She changed my life for the better and I couldn’t be happier. She loved coming to my place every weekend and I end up spending my whole weekly salary on her. Love can do that to you.

In the nick of time, visits went from weekly to monthly; I understood that she was busy with school so I never complained. I was deeply in love, but now, I can’t see myself putting my heart out there again; I don’t think it can survive another inferno.



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